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Ah, Valentine’s Day—a celebration of romance, love and all that other stuff. Yeah.

For too long V-Day has concentrated on the woman, and I say it’s time us guys ran the show our way. After all, men spend way more money on this holiday than women—we should have a say in how the day is celebrated.

But, after centuries of mollycoddling the chicks, some guys may not know how to go about making V-Day their own holiday. Well, I’m gonna tell ya how to do it.

First, there’s that wine ‘em and dine ‘em schtick. Wine is fine, but whiskey’s quicker, and believe me, an unpronounceable French dinner and Italian wine can’t beat a Big Mac and a bottle of Jack Daniels for what we’re after.

If you really like the gal, throw in an order of fries, but don’t forget that all that grease will coat her stomach and slow the effects of the alcohol.

No one’s worth a $5 greeting card, especially when it says things you don’t understand, let alone mean. Buy a box of those little cards kids give in school and you’ll be set for 30 years and the messages won’t get you into trouble.

Candy? Some say it’s an aphrodisiac, but I haven’t seen proof of that. What it will do is make her butt fat and cause her face to break out. Who wants to be seen with a big fat zit-faced girl? Give her a box of raisins— they’re sweet, cheap and will regulate her bowels.

Flowers are gonna die, so don’t waste your hard-earned money there. Just head down to your local bone yard and snag a bouquet from a grave. The corpse ain’t gonna care, and if you’ve applied the Big Mac and Jack properly, neither will your sweetie.

A movie at the theater is too expensive and you have no privacy. Rent a good movie that will set the mood you’re after. I recommend “Insatiable.”

A heck of a lot of men propose marriage on V-Day. If you feel the words, “Will you marry me?” rising in your throat, stop!  Ask that question from a manly perspective. Something like, “Will you horse-whip me, confine me to our home, nag at me, then divorce me and take half of everything I owned before I met you?” If that doesn’t stop you, I can’t help.

Lingerie is a popular V-Day gift, but let’s face it, if you’re lucky she’ll wear it once and then put it in a drawer until the lace rots. Let Victoria keep her secret. You head down to Wal-Mart and pick up one of those sheer little teddies for $9.95 and give her that.

And don’t let her put it away when you’re done. This is your day, and that teddy was cheap, so be an animal!

When the romantic interlude is over, don’t be shy about flicking on the TV, or just going to sleep if that’s what you feel like doing. If you’ve made it this far, you’re a liberated man and she’s too drunk to know what you’re doing anyway.

When the morning comes, you’re going to be faced with some new options. She may remember what happened on V-Day and be offended, maybe even mad enough to leave you.

Well, women still out-number men, so there’s a good possibility you can get another one before next V-Day.

Or, you can take a line from Sunday’s “King of the Hill” episode and “Throw a little woo at her and see what sticks.”

That means apologize, buy new flowers, chocolate, and try to convince her she was sick and delirious on Valentine’s Day.

She won’t believe it, but women like to see their men grovel. And hey, you get a better view of their legs while you’re on your knees.

This was originally published in The Vista newspaper in 1998. A lot of young women at the time didn’t get that it was a joke. I thought I’d posted in here before, but I can’t seem to find it.