Darkwolf review

Last weekend, when we had no kids on Saturday night, Kim and I wanted to go see a movie. But there was nothing on we wanted to see. Being at the mall, we wandered over to Suncoast and I picked up the DVD of Darkwolf. The synopsis sounded okay, certainly nothing to get excited over, but maybe fun. We watched it the other night and … wow. I can’t enumerate every way in which this movie sucked, but here are a few of the lowlights.

All the stars of the movie were 20-something actors, include Detective Steve Turley (Ryan Alosio), who apparently had no commanding officer and was free to make important police decisions on his own. Yeah, I believe that, especially since he showed such good judgment all the way through the story. Seriously, everyone in this film who was over the age of 30 ended up dying. But hey, at least they got out early.

They somehow got Tippi Hedren in this movie. Tippi Hedren, people. From The Birds, one of the scariest movies ever. I’m watching her short performance knowing that she’s thinking, “I used to work for Alfred Hitchcock.” You know this one isn’t on her resume.

The story itself was just lame. A man they kept describing as Biker Guy (sadly, this was Kane Hodder), although there was never a motorcycle in the film, is a werewolf looking for a certain female with whom he is supposed to mate. Anyone this young woman touches in “imprinted” with her scent, and so the werewolf finds them before her, and kills them. It was a very clumsy way to rack up a body count.

Someone should have told Alosio that yes, it is okay to close your mouth. I swear, the guy’s mouth is hanging open in every scene. With the stupid hairdo he was sporting, he sure didn’t need the slack-jawed look.

The absolute worst thing about the movie, though, was the werewolf itself. Where to begin to describe that mess? We see its legs and feet first, and it looks like it has four club-feet. We get repeated shots from below the muzzle as the beast howls, allowing us to see that the poor wolf only has its canine teeth. There are a couple of really bad CGI transformation scenes for the bad-guy werewolf, but the absolute low point was when Josie, the chosen one, transforms. Shit. We went from live-action to the worst CGI video-game-looking scene I have ever seen in a film. Imagine watching the making-of featurettes for The Lord of the Rings where they’re creating Gollum and you see him before he’s finished, when he’s just a smooth humanoid figure. In Darkwolf we see Josie go from being a cute little white girl to this CGI figure with a CGI building in the background, to a mute, deformed black woman with really long nappy hair. It was unbelievably bad.

On a scale of 1 to 5 stars, I’d give Darkwolf one star, and only because I’m enough of a pervert to admit I enjoyed the gratuitous T&A that sprinkled the film from start to (almost) finish. In other words, this one will be going with me next time I go to Game Exchange. Don’t be foolish enough to pick it up if you see it on the rack there. It’s not even the funny kind of bad.

0 responses to “Darkwolf review”

    • I’ve heard of Death Stalker … and I don’t think it was good stuff I heard. But maybe I’m remembering Beast Master. I dunno.
      Ya know, you wanna watch these indie movies, and you wanna like them because Hollywood is just vomiting all over itself and can’t do anything original, but then something like Darkwolf reminds you just how bad a low-budget flick can be. It’s pathetic.
      I suppose I should just go to poetry readings instead of watching so many movies.

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