Adventures in Online Dating, Part 2


It’s been a little over a year that I’ve been on dating sites. If I had a nickel for every time a lady describes herself as “sassy” or “strong” or “independent” or “fluent in sarcasm” I would have enough money that supermodels would be throwing themselves at me.

Don’t get me wrong. From what I understand, guys partake in the clichés, too, usually posting old photos or photos in hats and sunglasses and featuring the corpse of some animal or fish. This is just what women have told me. They haven’t told me what things the guys say about themselves.

But anyway, these strong, sassy, independent, sarcastic women typically love anything outside, from fishing to hiking to skydiving. They’re not a one-night stand, serial dater, or friends with benefits. Where would they like to meet? Typically the answer is something like, “Anywhere we can talk and the laughter will flow. It isn’t about the place, but the person I’m with.”

Which brings me to laughter. They all want someone who’ll make them laugh. Okay. I get that. Everyone likes to laugh. It shows that you’re comfortable and having a good time. But really, it’s like they’re wanting 21-year-old Eddie Murphy to show up on this first date. I don’t know about most guys, but on a first date, I’ll be nervous and trying to impress and usually not up for making good jokes because I don’t know what she’s going to find funny. Believe it or not, some people don’t appreciate jokes about necrophilia or hobos eating warm vomit. I know, right?

So, the message here seems to be that they don’t really need a man because they are strong and independent, but if they decide to, I dunno, answer your message or actually go on a date, you better be prepared for their sassy sarcasm in a place where it’s easy to hear it, and if you don’t make them laugh on the first date, you’re benched and an MLB pitcher with a noodle for an arm. That’s no pressure.

What do y’all think? Am I wrong? Do I just suck at this online dating game? Do you have any advice?


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